Outside Thoughts

(sorry for the gif switch up but it's appropriate for this entry teehee >:3 ) hi guys welcome back to me procrastinating doing my work . this is the last thing i'm gonna do before i start doing it . I TOOK MY ADDERALL !! EVERYBODY CHEERED !!! i've been spending the past couple days having genuinely the most filled school days ever and i genuinely don't know how i'm gonna deal with that :D i am going to be serving academic weapon but i hope it doesn't make me literally CRUMBLE ADJDSJDKDJS . i really love music but god am i scared to be in school for that . it's not easy like you would think . it is really hard and my school is essentially a music school so things are . very stressful to say the least. i had a good sunset on the drive to school so i''m taking it as a good sign for the year. but i am so terrified and emotionally FRAGILE WHAT IS GOING ON !! everyone send good vibes :')

speaking of emotionally fragile, i just watched kpop demon hunters with my friends last night and i think it changed my whole life? i thought parts seemed a bit rushed (which i guess makes sense because apparently they cut out a lot of the film? extended cut when??) but the animation was INCREDIBLE, the songs were EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE, and the characterssss. for such a short film the creators really gave watchers the space to connect with them. MIRA AND RUMI I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU CAN WE KISS. my gf (hi M my baby i miss you so damn much) and i lowkey have the mira and zoey dynamic too HEHEHE zoey i just want to be u lowkey we are the same she's such a cutie . but also RUMI . god she gets it so much i really connected with her so much i could write an essay about that . my headcanon is that she has BPD (that might be a comfort character trend for me DJDGAGHDH me when the comfort character is the opposite of comforting) . also GOD . watching this movie during the last year with my friends was absolutely DEVASTATING, because (although i have many a ship from that movie) what a beautiful representation of 21st century female friendship . that is the most important and most beautiful part of that film for me (aside from the fire songs hehe). as someone who thrives off of strong connections and bonds it was just such an emotional experience to be there with them (i luv u L+T < 3) . i feel like that movie was just made for me at this time of my life and i don't even listen to kpop (i'm sure many people feel the same which makes me so happy god i love how film connects people) . i can't wait to make literally everyone i love watch that movie (aka my biggest love language + biggest form of self-expression since i have #troublewithidentity). my dad is the same way with showing people media. i think that might actually be why i get upset when he doesn't let me show him media i love. don't you want to know me? but i don't think he is as emotionally intelligent as i am (i love you though father, despite everything). i miss him and NOW I'M FIGHTING TEARS SO I NEED TO MOVE ON !!

i'm gonna learn how to sing golden (from, of course, kpop demon hunters) because i LOVE that song and even though it is SO HARD TO SING (literally insane vocals holy shit the vocalist for rumi is insane) it's actually in my range so i think it would be a really fun challenge !! ugh that movie deserves all the hype surrounding it . also my friend suggested we watch castlevania after kpop demon hunters and we did and . it's so good hello?? another piece of media where i absolutely adore the animation style and it's a show so i get SOOOO much of it . also love a show where only specific men get to look good but every woman (including extras + side characters) gets to look like a work of ART YESSSSS :3 . anyway sorry this was a very long media rant but i hope whoever is reading enjoyed that !! u should go watch both of those they are so good !!

just need to backtrack for a sec but i love my friends so much . i love my wife more than life itself . i love everyone in my life so much. i hope they don't forget about me . i really want everyone to love me the way i love them and even though i know they couldn't possibly, the moments that i feel it are ones i cherish more than anything else. everyone should stay guys me when i #havenocontroloverothersactionsandimsonormalaboutit .

okay i am gonna listen to the giver (by sarah kinsley and not chappell roan bc it's that kind of day) and attempt to do work . don't forget me !! luv ya !!

xoxo~

oh hello there. it has been a moment !! had a craaaaazy move in to school this year . room was originally SO gross but my roomie (and v good friend :3 ) have made it so so cute now !! i am so happy to be back wth my friends, i missed them so much . AAA i don't want them to leave me after this year :') but that is a story for another time !!

today was the first day of classes !! i only had one class, one all about music (maybe i wanna be a music major idk??) !! i have dropped this class twice LMAOOOOO but this year i have hope. the prof had boygenius and phoebe IN. HER COURSEPACK and we got to listen in class so that made me very :3 . i really like the prof she's so cool and is actually a doctor of music that isn't scary !! if u don't know a lot of doctors of music, that is not always so common so this is a huge win !!

anyways i actually ate dinner (but lowkey ate more goldfish. i love. goldfish) and read a lot today (and not JUST fanfiction !!) i am going to read more tonight so i am excited for that . but i really miss my partner and i wish they were here . COME HOME GF MY HONEY TEA I MISS MY HONEY TEA :(( . i dream of them tonight and also play my silly ipad games MWAH MWAH BYEEEEEE

xoxo~

HELLO MY MEOWS i am feeling. much better today. took an edible last night and felt worse and then passed out and woke up feeling kind of Slay?? i started listening to KATSEYE today and i didnt know gnarly was by them !! love that song . i really like their vibes and GAP your ad worked cause here i am thinking about lara raj and also GAP jeans !! i like her . they are all so cool i love . OH GOD THE SONG THAT STARTED PLAYING NOW IS SNOW WHITE BY LAUFEY HOW DID WE GET HERE. anyways i'm so hungry and we have nothing. in the house .

i was interrupted as i was writing this entry when my best friend called me . we talked for 3 hours about literally everything . i love them and miss them so much but they live on the other side of the country. AAA pls come home GODDDDDDD . anyway i miss my gf and feel clingy and i don't want to do my laundry but i'm gonna make it happen . and i'm gonna watch aftersun and hopefully not be mentally destroyed . i can't wait to go back to SCHOOL !!!!

xoxo~

good morning (or i suppose afternoon) meows !! i am in desperate need of a shower because i was way too exhausted to take one last night. yesterday was really hard. i do apologize for the oversharing that's about to occur (but let's be real no one looks at this and it's basically just a diary at this point so imo it is oka). i went through a really awful BPD episode yesterday, and literally everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my head went wrong. i have done a lot of work on myself in regard to my BPD and also just my mental health in general, which i'm really proud of. that said, a lot of that work was dedicated to fixing how i manage different situations in my life externally/in my relationships. interally, i still definitely feel the feelings. a LOT. feeling is good though !! it is good to be in touch with your emotions, i just wish mine were more rational and toned down sometimes. i feel something hanging over my head today, but i think it might just be residual emotional exhaustion. it has been a tough few days but i'm ready to turn things around today !!

i am so . so . hungry . i honestly have no idea what we have in the house (probably nothing lowkey) but i'd really like to make a nice meal for myself today . i want to just spend time with me and take a moment to recharge and do all of the things i like to do but i CAN'T GRRRR . there is so much to do GODDDDDDDD . nothing is certain but death and taxes . i think i'm gonna explode but that's okay . today will be better and i will eat something good i know it . really need to start making that food shrine but i know that will make me hungrier :'3 i am going to seek out breakfast nowww i hope everyone eats something good today !!

xoxo~

warning: bad awful negative entry incoming.

WELCOME TO THE DAY WHERE EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. we drove my sister to college today and it was an absolute SHIT SHOW. we got on the road way too late (love my dad but it was essentially his fault), ran into traffic, had car troubles, missed our move in time so we had to wait another 2 hours, and then we ended up forgetting her giant bag of shoes which is literally the only thing she really cared about. the end result was all 3 of us crying. genuinely my worst day in a bit and i feel just awful for my sister. that's my little sister. things are supposed to be better for her. she literally had to buy all of her college stuff for herself and pay for her own physical for school like after all that we just wanted her to have a good day. but no. thankfully i think she ended up getting to go out with her suitemates but i'm just so. devastated. deeply so i just want to be alone and go to sleep.

to top it all off, dad accidentally booked us in the jankiest. motel. it could 1000% be worse and i'm grateful to not have to sleep in the car but like. it's pretty interesting. although i'm trying to romanticize it and feel like ethel cain /pos. i do at least have apple juice i'm very pleased about that. but i just want to cry and cry. sorry for the sad post guys i'm sure i will be back to normal soon.

update: she's having a much better night. that makes me happy but i'm too sad to really feel it. i think i will feel better when i'm not alone and back at school. can't wait for that !!

xoxo~

oh hey there! i know it's a bit early in the day to be writing an entry but honestly, the boredom is making my mind feel like jelly. i think it's boredom?? LET'S PLAY NAME! THAT! EMOTION! i laugh at myself. it's not even that i'm not doing anything. everything in the WORLD is happening at the moment, helping my sister move into college, preparing for another year at college myself, etc. there's just some feeling i carry around with me always. i don't know where to place it, it feels unnameable. maybe a symptom of something in me or just a symptom of being alive, honestly who knows! i think it will be good for me to go back to school and be with my friends again :') they occupy my mind and my heart so beautifully. i am eternally grateful for them !! hug your friends, guys. HUG THEM !!

but it's not all bad, i did get to spend some time with really great family friends last night !! invented something called nip gloss, do with that what you will hehe >:3 i think i want to write about loneliness in one of these entries at some point mmmm yes. not necessarily in a venting manner (although i think i will share some experiences), but more from an analytical perspective . the way we react to our own feelings and the world is so FASCINATINGGG.

anyway, as i said my little sister is moving into college !! genuinely crazy, she's still so tiny and small in my mind (she is physically like 2 inches taller than me ._.). this year it feels like some part of my life is ending, and it's quite bittersweet. i know that many things will be just the same, but something is shifting. there's something on the WINDDDD guys. not necessarily a bad something !! i think i'm... growing up. /pos. i feel a heat behind my eyes but i don't think it's just mourning and dread, i think there's some sort of hope in me and it's refreshing. and all the words that are better than that. hehe.

anyway (again) i get to call my gf today and i'm so excited . i miss her voice and her face and everything about her . to be able to miss like this reminds me that i am so lucky . so so lucky in so many ways . life doesn't have to be the horror i thought it was gonna be when i was 16 . WOOHOO !! LOVE YOU !!!

p.s. sorry for the mess that this writing is i will resume my adderall soon :p also, as a very, VERY. frequent sad music listener, listen to sad music a bit less. it's making you sadder. it took me over 2 decades to figure that out. crazy!

xoxo~

well guys . gf is moving away tomorrow and we parted earlier today for the last time until the fall . i thought i had cried all my tears about it but i was wrong . i wish i processed things fully when they're happening instead of just a little too late cause all i wanna do is hug them right now :') but all will be oka . i'm just really sad GODDDD .

anyways my wonderful gf doesn't have social media so these little blog posts will serve not only as a reflection space for me but also as a sort of instagram story for them hehe :3 that means (hopefully) daily updates !! i'm really excited to start posting more frequently, and even though i'll be going back to school soon too i'm gonna try really hard to become more consistent with my entries and make it part of my routine !! i still have a lot to learn with HTML and CSS and all of that but i'm super stoked to learn more !! i promise i will eventually figure out what these entries are gonna be lolll, but for now i'm just along for the ride :3 yayyy !!!! good things to come !!

p.s. to my honey i love you so much ^^

xoxo~

hello girls and gays and anyone else gracing this page with their presences, i am feeling many a feeling today. mostly i am good, i got to eat SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH which cured my previous aversion which is so slay mama. also gf and i watched drag race and the queen that i wanted to win won the season so i'm feeling pretty cool about that also. i am drinking a root beer YAY !! also, today i got to go swimming in a pool for the first time in many months and it was v fun. i wish to go back tomorrow and blow water out of the pool noodle once more.

just a few minutes ago i went through my old liked videos on youtube and it was like seeing a timeline for how i've become who i am over the years. honestly the best thing about not caring that i'm still cringe after all these years is the true appreciation i now have for the fixations i used to have. like yes 13 year old julsie those warrior cats animatics WERE fire af !! i think the world would be so much better if we all just gave a little less of a fuck about being cringe cause i live for that :3 .

gf is moving away in a few days and then i'll be back at school, so for now i live in blissful ignorance and go bite her !! i'm hoping that my writing will get better and more consistent when i start taking my adderall again teeheeeee oka HAPPY TRAVELS CAMPERS !!!

xoxo~

gooooooooood morning gay NATIONNNNNNNN !!! i woke up at my GF'S HOUSE this is big . we fell asleep last night watching the queer ultimatum and can i just say . what the fyuck . guys the second part of season 2 was actually bonkers what are we doing . MEL I HOPE U NEVER SLEEP WELL AT NIGHTTTTT evil evil woman wtf . same with dayna cause what . anyways i'm glad that pilar and haley and briget and kyle and AJ and britney are all happy :3 i love when lesbians are NICE TO EACH OTHER. anywayyy yes i am feeling good today !! got to go to fireworks with gf and their family last night and it was so nice :') it is beautiful to love and be loved :3

today to celebrate the 4th i will be going to get SUPERMAN ICE CREAM with my gf and to me that is very beautiful . i also ate ramen and now we watch moral orel . guys i feel as though the concept of repentance in a religion miiiiiight be abused by some people and used as a get out of jail free card and i think that's kind of messed up . but also peace and love guys i just think that maybe some people might take advantage of that and it makes me sad :( . but anyway moral orel is a very good show and you all should watch it !!!

i'm excited to go meet my gf's family friends tomorrow and life is good !! i hope i eat chipotle soon okay bye guys i hope u all have a good day !!!!

p.s. gif is me and gf oka bye i kiss

hi guyssss this is my first entry on here :3 idk really what i'm gonna write about but since it's from my brain it's likely gonna be a very random assortment of thoughts . i will try not to get too deep or weird but i make no promises cause i can be kind of a silly !! anyway i hope u like it :3

i have unfortunately felt kind of weird today . idk what it is guys i think there's just something in the wind i feel blahhh . i went to go renew my driver's permit today (and yes im 21 dont worry ab it) . there's just always been some reason why i haven't been able to rly start driving but i want to SOOOO much for so many reasons, it would genuinely change my life . don't get me wrong i love being passenger princess (especially to my gf) but i would love to also be able to . drive them around sometimes . but guess. what. guys. YOU NEED AN APPOINTMENT AT THE DMV NOWWWWWWW they never did that before . wtf guys i am angry now i have to wait until after the holiday . should i explode be honest .

still, we persist . i'm going to eat mapo tofu (will be on my food shrine COMING SOOOOOON) and watch kurtis conner so i suppose life isn't so bad :') EAT MORE TOFU WOOHOOOOO !!!!